I Am So Strange!!!

 I try to read books that inspire me and for the most part its right on the cover...i.e. The 4 Agreements, Meditation Books, The Secret, Etc.,but have you ever gone into a book store to only be lead to a book that you never thought would have a message? This is exactly what happened to me. Awhile back in sobriety I went into a book store lost and confused and wondering what I was doing with my life and where I was going. As I was walking I came across this book: "Emily The Strange - The Lost Days" and oh how I connected. It is a book for teens so I didn't think too much of it. I walked by it about 3 times before I decided to pick it up and read a little. It was written like a journal. I bought it purely based on the cover and thought it would be a fun no thinking read to occupy my time. I starting reading it that night and WOW, it has things in there that I identified with so much in my disease and in recovery. This book has nothing to do with recovery or sobriety but as you can see from below there was more than meets the eye!

After a blackout...
Page 23, " Sat there feeling depressed and frightened and sorry for myself for a while, then cheered up by thinking maybe my life had been really terrible and worth forgetting"

Alcohol was my Master!
Page 39, “The overall gist of this dream was that a giant lump of black candy, all molten and full of power, was buried under the El Dungeon. It sent up these invisible ineluctable sugar tentacles that tempted me to touch them. When I did, I got these huge sugar-shock rushes, so heavy they made my molars hurt. And I couldn’t not touch the tentacles. And I knew that the lump of black candy was mine and I had to protect it. But all the time underground creepy-crawly cave mutant people who licked and lapped at it were attacking it, and there was nothing I could do. One by one the invisible sugar tentacles died, and the under-ground candy pool leaked away almost to nothing, and then suddenly I knew that when the last drop of candy was gone, my heart would stop beating, and I wouldn’t be able to take a breath. And then my heart DID stop, and I woke up yelling “AIEEEE!” and all the cats jumped off me and went running down the alley.”

Recovery in the Beginning...

Page 44-45, "It’s scary how, when I try to think past three days ago, the only thing I can remember is the feeling of how it is to remember. Not even the whisker of an actual memory. Do I live in a city? In a cave? In a tree house? Is it weird that I’m living in a lean-to made of a refrigerator box? Am I weird? The lady in the bus station stared at me like I was weird. Do I have parents? Friends? Pets? Do they miss me? Etc. Got myself so worked up into fake-missing people who might not even exist that I even cried a little fake tear, then got irked at myself for being a baby. No point getting sentimental until I at least know what I’m missing. After all, I could be an orphan; or maybe my parents did this to me, maybe I’m better off with out them."

Prayer & Meditation!
Page 45, "When I got over my fake-pity party, I picked up the cats at the lean-to, and then we went and roamed around the perimeter of town for a while enjoying the solitude. I kind of lost track of time, I guess. I sort of took a nap lying out there in the middle of the dust plain. When I woke up I could see all these stars."

A Glimmer of Hope:

Gratitude...

Page 66, " I'm finally back in my lean-to. And man, things may be tough right now, but in a way, I got it good. I got cats everywhere, a sandwich, a black cherry soda, my notebook. I got skylight I can see the stars through, and the night air is perfect"

Well, that's all I am going to give you. My suggestion? Ask God to show you something in a place you may never have looked.

Blessed,

Ashling

Sober Up Art: Let Me Scream For The Previous Dream

I love to create. I used to think that my best work came when I was drunk. Turns out that my best work comes from being sober. I use creating art (drawing, painting, clay molding, sculpting, etc...) as a form of meditation. Engaging in my art has brought me closer to my Higher Power (I like to call him God cause it's easy). I feel free and lifted! I get excited and happy when I am in the zone. It took some time, in fact about a year before I could learn how to be creative again. The more I try at my art the cooler it gets. The more I create the more inspired I become. Hmm, that's interesting! The same works with prayer. The more I pray and the more I meditate, the greater my connection comes with God. I have to keep practicing in order to see results. What a novel idea ;)

Below are the work in progress pics before I completed it, enjoy!

Blessed - Ashling

Grateful Dead Head: Bleaching Disaster In Recovery

Before I got into Recovery, I was bleaching my hair a lot. I hated the way I felt and thought that if I changed my outsides, maybe it would fix my insides. I was about 3 months sober when I was trying to fix my hair. I thought maybe I should just go dark red (I am naturally a red head, so I thought it may look nice). It was OK at first, but then I decided I hated that too. Sooooo, I bleached it. What a NIGHTMARE!!! My hair ended up breaking off and falling out, I started to panic. I put whatever conditioner was in my shower into my hair and let it sit for 30 mins. I then cut off the ends that were breaking and was able to save my remaining hair.

So far so good, crisis diverted...Phew.

Whoops! Spoke too soon. Yup, I had neon orange hair. Grosssssssssssssss! I was 28 at this time, guess what's not acceptable as an adult trying to find a job while living at a 1/2 house? You got it, this!

So I had to find a solution. Instead of being dramatic and letting my fears take over with how will I find the money to fix it, is my hair destroyed for good, how am I ever going to get a color that looks nice on me? I went to a beauty salon and showed them my "oops". They introduced me to this product.

Which I lathered up and let sit for 30 mins. The results were amazing!!!

My hair turned into a soft blonde and I could breathe again. How could I have ever even worried ;P

Grateful - Ashling



Hi, I asked for your experience NOT your opinion!

How many times have we shared our opinion forgetting that we don’t even have the experience to back up our words? I used to do this alllllllllll the time! If you were a friend in need I was a co-dependent indeed. Whatever your problem or situation, I was sure I could fix it, if you would only listen to me. I knew what was best for your life. Forget God or Higher Power, don’t you see how much logical sense I make? The problem here, I don’t know what is best for you. I don’t know what Gods plan is for you. I don’t know if you are supposed to experience certain things in order to grow and help others. I have NO clue!

I lost a lot of friends because I was trying to manage and control their lives (never mind that I couldn’t manage my own, it’s not about me, it’s about them…right?). No matter what your problem or situation was I was going to let you know “exactly” how I felt and if you didn’t listen to my words and made the same mistake over again, be sure to know I was going to say “I told you so” and then maybe, just maybe, I would gossip behind your back about how stupid you were and if you only listened you wouldn’t have this problem. Oh, yeah, that’s right, I said gossip. You know, make sure all of our friends know how right I am and make sure they spoon feed you the same stuff. Because this is being a friend and that’s what friends do.

So what would happen?  Most friends just walked away. The few that stayed would take my advice, and although it was by all accounts pretty fantastic advice, it was not in their heart to do and they did not come to the absolute resolution to make the decision. They would end up listening to me & have regrets, only to later blame me for what happened as a result. If I don’t have the experience and you’re not praying about it, who am I to tell you or anyone else what to do? Every bit of pain and suffering I went through I absolutely had to go through in recovery and out of recovery. Out of many of those things people would tell me I shouldn’t do, has made me the woman I am today.  It has made me stronger and brought me even closer to my God. It has enabled me to help others with out telling them what to do but bringing them closer to their higher power. I have so many different experiences that I can just simply share. What you do with my experience is what you do with it; it has no bearing on me.

It’s amazing to live this way today, I can be a friend. My close friends tell me the craziest stuff about their lives and without judgement I can simply say “I have been there too, you should pray about it…here is what I did, but you have to see if that will work for you” or “I don’t have that experience, you should pray about that or see if there is anyone else who has been through it…or if you just want me to listen, I can do that too”. I let God manage my life and make decisions based on listening to what “the people who have what I want in life” say as well as the final decision through prayer.

Like my dear friend says to me “If they don’t have what you want Ash, don’t give a @%&# what they think”

Blessed - Ashling

Facebook: Get Drunk In Yoville, WTF?

I love Facebook, manly for their gaming fun. In the beginning of my recovery, while living at a half-way house, I played Farmville non stop. While all the other girls were going out and acting out, I farmed.

Yoville was another one of those fantastic mind numbing Fackbook games. I remember getting drunk and playing Yoville for hours. Back then you could even get "Dizzy" in the game by drinking beverages that resembled liquor, they stopped doing it because so many kids played the game.

I used to look at my character and think "look, she's drunk and didn't loose everything". It was sad really and the self pity was just gross. Here I was comparing myself to a fictional game character, WTF happened to my life?!

It took a long time before I could even play Yoville again, but today I can go anywhere a free man can, lol even in the virtual world. Recently I was playing my game when I noticed the "Dizzy" drinks were back! Now, I am not one to censor many things, but getting drunk in Yoville? I even bought a drink called "Bobs Bad Day", cooooooooome on, really? Believe it or not Yoville there is such a thing as "suggestive" and "planting the seed". Showing a glamorous night club, fancy clothes, and drinks that can make you levitate, glow, or wobble? I am pretty sure the marketing genius's over at Zynga know EXACTLY what they are doing and trying to accomplish.

Let me tell you Yoville creators and team, nothing about getting drunk is what you display. There 140 million people with alcoholism worldwide. It's true that many people are not alcoholics, but in a game where most kids would be found, is it really fair to show them that drinking looks like this? Ask the people who have had broken homes, twisted spirits, emotional bankruptcy, finical difficulities, seperated wives, husbands, and children, suicides, poor physical health, anyone can increase the list. See if drinking did for them what it appears to do for your characters.

Here are some clips of what it's like to get "Dizzy" in Yoville, you can make your own opinions. 

Oh, are those paparazzi? 

Martini

Bobs Bad Day? OMG, REALLY?

Um, yeah.

I pop a cork on a champaign bottle, then a Bartender offers me a drink and I wobble across the dance floor.

Yikes - Ashling

Saving Private Ducky

Ducks frequented my half-way house a lot back in the day. They would be so bold and come right up to the patio as if we invited them. I didn't mind, it was something different. I would wake up every morning, do my meditations, drink my coffee, and feed the ducks as they would swarm my chair. One duck was probably the coolest duck ever. His name was Private Ducky. I called him that because he was reclusive like me. He didn't play well with the other ducks and usually looked like he had a chip on his shoulder, I thought "yeah, you and me both private ducky". I was only a few months sober and had mood swings like you wouldn't believe (or maybe you would). On this particular day I came out side and noticed Private Ducky wasn't moving. I gave him bread and he wouldn't even look at it. I knew something was wrong. You would think one of the other ducks would be there to nurture him, but I saw none. I knew what that feeling was like. To be alone and hurt and no one around to help or offer their hand, although, he wasn't crying so who would have known?

Sometimes we when we reach out to help another, we go after the ones that are screaming and yelling their pain. Sometimes we forget the ones that are so badly beaten and hurt they can't even tell you or cry to you. They are the quite ones, the ones in the back of the room, the ones that stand outside a meeting and sit by themselves just looking around. Sometimes we get so caught up into our own social gatherings, we forget to look around and see if someone is hurt.

I am grateful for Private Ducky, he reminded me to stop long enough and take the time to look hard enough to see if anyone needs help. This is the day that Private Ducky and I created a memory and an experience that will stay with me forever. Thank you Private Ducky and God Speed.

I came towards Private Ducky to see how bad he is hurt. He kept falling down. I called animal rescue...

They told me to capture him until they could come get him...

So I did...

Good Luck Private Ducky...Good Luck!

I am happy to report that after this incident, the wildlife rescue people called me and told me that the duck had suffered significant injuries that left untreated could lead to death. They fixed him up and he was healthy and happy upon release. Gives a whole new meaning to slowing down and smelling the roses...or taking the time to see if someone or something is OK.

Blessed-Ashling

The High Five: Getting High From Fiving

Amanda & Robert - Waiting Online High Five

What's In A High Five?

According to Wikipedia, the High Five is a celebratory hand gesture that occurs when two people simultaneously raise one hand, about head high, and push, slide or slap the flat of their palm and hand against the palm and flat hand of their partner. The gesture is often preceded verbally by the phrase "Give me five" or "High five".

You Can't High Five And Not Smile!

There are numerous ways to High Five like the famous low five, the slick side five, the jump air five, the drive bye high five, the all to familiar “to slow” five game, & my other personal favorite the virtual high five (Hi5). With every "give me five" situation, remember to took at the other persons elbow and you'll never miss the opportunity to feel the high of the five. There is no wrong way to five someone, unless it’s a five hand to the face, in this case it’s called abuse and you have left the fiving celebratory ways.


I have been high fiving for many years but it took on a new meaning a year ago. You see I was just out of a relationship and touching another man in social settings was just all to gross for me. There are so many ways you can be creative with hugging when comforted with this gesture and I ran out of them fast. I would usually whip out the Christian hug (ass out so chest doesn't touch) or the side hug (as if we are two friends taking a picture) either way these hugs were just not cutting the cake. Thus, the High Five was reborn.

After awhile, I started to fall in love with the high five in every occasion. It didn't matter who you were or where we were, the high five seemed to fit every situation. If you were happy you got a five from me, if you were scared about something you got a five from me for the shared experience, if you were sad about something but saw a positive side of the matter you probably just got fived from me. The five was always there for the taking.

Of course there are always occasions where the high five doesn't fit, you should be somewhat coherent and have a general idea of what those occasions are, and then there is the over use of the five. In the case of over use of the high five you will likely get kickback with no one there to participate or you don’t get a smile. Which brings me to you can’t high five without a smile (even if its on the inside). How do I know? Well, check out some high five shots below…these are serious high fivers to the game and no matter who you are or where you are, they always have a hand out for slap of celebration.

Enjoy!

Nick, Nina, & Stan - The Co-ed High Five & Stand by Five

Stan & Robert - The Man High Five

Bree, Tori, (Robbie) & Rich - The Girl High Five & The Missed High Five. If you missed a high five...

Just repeat the high five...it doesn't matter if you still didn't get in, its the act of being apart and trying. Plus, we all get a good laugh for your 2nd rejected five.

Nate - The Random High Five, if you're around... you're getting fived.

So whatever the day, wherever you are, whatever you're doing, or however you're feeling, take a moment and High Five someone today. You can't high five without cracking a smile :)

- Ashling